Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is my gift to your gina
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
