Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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