She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
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In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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