your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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