Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If that was your dad, he is hot
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
