I'm eating all of the evidence.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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