hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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