So drunk its hurt
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
