If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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