My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
