I hope mine doesn't look like that
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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