No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
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No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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