foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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