Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
