So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
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ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios