just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START