You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
