apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
