If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
