Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
