Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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