I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
