And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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