Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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