I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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