I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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