We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
