I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick