oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
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In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.