afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think I sprained my soul last night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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