I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
