yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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