If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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