remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
where am i from again
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
