She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So many bounce houses so little time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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