Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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