my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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