Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
its liver damage thursday
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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