in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
