Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
