he wants to bone in the snuggie
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When are your genitals available?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
