just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.