he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.