Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
someone owes me an orgasm
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.