this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
