Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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