I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the day after is always just damage control
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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