I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
