Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
