did you get engaged???
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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