I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
tequila makes me forget i have legs
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
