I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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