Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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