what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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