8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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