I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
